Jerry is a shmuck

"and that class is how you nose-dive an organization into the dirt. Next week, we're going to talk about how to shit the bed in the regular season..."

That quote came from a dream I had, where I was standing at a podium giving a lecture on the Dallas Cowboys organization.

You know, when I woke up this morning I wondered what I’d write about today. I went for a walk and really reflected on where I am in life and what it is I want to put out into the world. I even stopped at the park, hoping that one of the beautiful singing birds soaring through the trees might spark some inspiration. Oh, nature is so peaceful… so beautiful.

BUT then... my phone buzzed. An alert from my “inside source” (the ESPN app) and I knew right then and there that this article was going to write itself and may even make my day as well.

The ever-inescapable Dallas Cowboys Owner and General Manager, Jerry Jones, has traded Micah Parsons to the Green Bay Packers. No, you're not having a stroke--you actually read that correctly. But if you are having a stroke by chance, please do not hesitate to contact your local physician.

Micah Parsons was traded for some lint and a piece of bubble gum that General Manager Brian Gutekunst found in his pocket while talking on the phone to Jerry. Ok... ok... the deal wasn't that bad, it was actually 2 first-round picks and Defensive Tackle Kenny Clark.

Now, on paper, that might not seem terrible. Two first-rounders and a proven interior lineman is a legitimate haul. The problem? Those two first-round picks are going to be late-round selections. The Packers are already a perennial playoff team, and with Parsons lining up in green and gold, they’re only going to get stronger. Late-round firsts don’t carry anywhere near the value of a top-10 or even top-15 selection. If this were a pair of early picks, I could squint and see the logic. But as it stands, Jerry essentially handed Green Bay a superstar and got pennies on the dollar.

This also raises contract questions. Parsons had completed year 4 of his Rookie contract and Dallas could have exercised the Fifth-year option. Why no interest in the Fifth-year option? Reports around the league suggested he was in line to become the highest-paid defensive player in NFL history, as he is now, potentially pushing past Nick Bosa’s record-breaking contract with the 49ers. Was Jerry spooked by the price tag? Did he want to avoid locking up that much cap space and potentially preventing any other roster upgrades on defense? If so, it feels like shortsighted management—because generational talents don’t grow on trees. Also, even if he was a knuckle-head, generational talents get to be knuckle-heads.

The whole thing looks like Gutekunst called with an opening offer and Jerry just said: “You know what, I’ll take it!” No counter. No pushback. Just a gift-wrapped Defensive Player of the Year candidate shipped to Lambeau.

I’m no trade expert, but moves like this convince me you could sell Jerry a used diaper if you pitched it the right way.

Now, you may be asking: “Why on God’s Kelly Green Earth is a Philadelphia Eagles blog talking about the stinky Cowboys?” As you throw your shoe against the wall and knock over family photos, and let me assure you—there’s good reason.

BUT WAIT!!! Before you get in your car and try and find the first Dallas Cowboys fan you see and beat them to a pulp. I implore you sit back down and keep reading as much as I would like to see that.

This trade has massive implications for the Eagles. Losing Parsons is a seismic downgrade for Dallas’s defense. I would never admit this while he was wearing a star on his helmet, but Micah Parsons is a generational talent. Trading him away guts the Cowboys’ pass rush and weakens their entire defensive identity. They essentially tossed their season in the trash recepticle. Basically, what we are going to see is a case study of what happens when you take the tires off of your vehicular transportation. Will it still run? Sure. But it ain't gonna take you to the store to pick up that milk your wife keeps asking for.

As an Eagles fan, this is a glorious day. Watching the Cowboys self-destruct is sweeter than a late-night visit to Culvers for one of their mixers with oreos. They deserve every ounce of this downfall. They really do.

Scum.